Poo comes in all shapes and sizes. It also comes is various odors and effort levels. In this article we’ll review the most common types of poop.
Sure you might laugh at the descriptions but we promise you’ll laugh because they are true.
We spend so much time on the toilet but we understand so little about our poo. We hope this poo breakdown provides some clarity on what’s occurring in your toilet bowl. Let’s get started.
Washboard Abs Poo
Have you ever sat down on the toilet needing to get everything out but you weren’t able to? The washboard abs poo is a blessing in disguise. You relieve yourself and you get a great workout.
Occasionally I get the washboard abs poo. It’s not comfortable and sometimes it flat out hurts. I do some crunches, Russian twists, legs lifts, and oblique work.
Eventually it comes out and my abs are burning. Warning: you might be sweating after this poo – you deserve a protein shake.
Not Yet Seated Poo
The Not Yet Seated Poo is a hybrid style poo. It’s not a standing poo and it’s not quite diarrhea, but it comes out on its own non-the-less.
The Not Yet Seated Poo is due to poor planning (and possibly poor eating). Maybe you’ve felt the symptoms or maybe the poo has snuck up on you, either way, you didn’t even have a chance to sit down.
Just as you’re starting your squat to sit down, the Not Yet Seated Poo gets a head start on it’s emergency exit. Because of the height, it often gains velocity as it hits the toilet water. Warning: may cause backsplash.
Shy Poo
The Shy Poo is reserved. It doesn’t like attention, nor does it like being seen in public. Shy Poo’s are great when you have spare time to sit on the pot and wait.
Sometimes they have to be coaxed out. A Poo Whisperer can slowly talk a Shy Poo out of the cave and into the water.
Maybe your Shy Poo is afraid of water. Who’s to say all poo can swim. Maybe it’s light sensitivity after darkness in the small and large intestines for a while.
Shy Poos don’t usually make a mess and they require less clean up. They are usually small to. Warning: Shy Poo may require a number of position changes and soft rock music or whispering.
Is It Finished Poo
The Is It Finished Poo is tricky. Like a stutter step move in basketball, or a feint in boxing the Is It Finished Poo likes to keep us guessing. As they say “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me”.
The last thing you want is to clean up, get off the porcelain throne then realize you aren’t finished.
Is It Finished Poo knows when to make an appearance and usually presents itself when you need to be somewhere or when you’re at the movie theater trying to hurry.
A few buttocks flex, crunches and shakes can help you decide whether the Is It Finished Poo is done…or is it?
The Is It Finished Poo can also be messy. Warning: Be patient, use extra TP for clean up and when you think you’re done, wait another minute.
Curly Soft Serve Poo
The Curly Soft Serve Poo is a classic. It actually looks great – and healthy. The consistency and moisture content is observable in the shape and exit angle.
People who experience the Curly Soft Serve Poo are usually proud of their work and like the look (accomplishment). This begs a follow up thought “what did I eat because I should eat that again”.
The Curly Soft Serve doesn’t usually make a mess but it has a tendency to leave skid marks on the side of the toilet. This may require an extra flush, but we conserve water so we recommend using a brush in combination with the 1st flush – just wait until the big stuff has disappeared before using the brush.
Warning: The Curly Soft Serve length and curve looks great but doesn’t necessary mean you’re in great shape. Remember what you ate to create that beauty.
Snake Poo
The Snake Poo is very similar to the Curly Soft Serve, however the Snake has extra length. Big guys and gals are best at creating the Snake Poo.
They range in size from Pencil Snake size to larger constrictors like the Python or Boa. Mastering the Snake Poo is not an easy task but one can practice long, slow squeezes of the mid-section and buttocks.
The key for the Snake Poo is to not cut off the snake – this takes sphincter control and endurance. If you’re into weight training, think about an isometric hold.
The Snake Poo can be impressive. It can curl or partially disappear deep into the toilet bowl. When it partially disappears this reduces it’s impressiveness but enhances its mysteriousness.
Warning: The Snake Poo never strikes but it can leave it’s venom all over the bowl – handle with care.
Ghost Poo
The Ghost Poo is our most mysterious poo. Unless you feel it exit you won’t know it exists.
Ghost Poo are perfect for when you’re visiting and friends house or a party (leave no trace). The set-up of the Ghost Poo is key and usually begins unknowingly with a perfect perch on the throne.
Without a perfect squat the Ghost Poo would likely come into contact with the toilet bowl, and thus make a mark.
The Ghost Poo is also a dense poo and quickly makes its way to the bottom of the pot. Sometimes flushing the toilet is unnecessary, although they have a tendency to reemerge momentarily with the flush.
If you want to surprise the next bathroom guest, don’t flush the toilet. When the next person flushes they may get the surprise of their life and say “did all of that come out of me”.
Boulder Poo
The Boulder Poo results in a solid thud in the toilet bowl. Often there’s a splash so readjusting your buttocks on the drop is wise to avoid the backsplash.
The Boulder is usually large and rounded on the ends. It certainly doesn’t break up on impact with the water. It feels like you’ve lost weight after dropping the load (and you have).
It’s not unusual for the Boulder Poo to weigh 2-3 pounds. It can also be painful to let out. Depending on the Boulder Poo size, you might hear it bounce off the bottom of the bowl as it rolls to the depths.
Warning: Boulder Poos can be caused by dehydration.
Pebbles Poo
Pebbles Poo is similar to the Boulder Poo but smaller. The poo can consist of 20-30 BBs that resemble small rocks. They can come out as part of a Boulder Poo then break up, or be broken as they exit.
Pebble Poos can be quite fun as they disperse and frolic in the toilet bowl water. Because they are also caused by dehydration they rarely make marks on the toilet bowl nor do the make the toilet water cloudy.
They hold their form well and can be flushed easily.
Sandpaper Poo
Yikes! The Sandpaper Poo is one of m least favorite poos. These fellas don’t feel well and you get a lot of friction on the colon.
It’s a best management practice to get Sandpaper Poos out as quickly as possible. There will likely be short term pain but it’s kind of like tearing a bandaid off – just do it quickly.
Sandpaper Poos can be due to dehydration or a high fiber, high protein, low fat diet but each person will be different.
One thing you won’t want to see is blood in your stool. Check your stool after and consider what you ate in the prior days. A hearty Sandpaper Poo can be painful, but it’s not as bad as our next poo below.
Warning: Sandpaper Poos are worse when they are a 40-60 grit (yowza)
Sharp Poo
Ouchy wawa! Sharp Poos are the worst (although I’d rather have a Sharp Poo than a clogged toilet at a friends home).
Sharp Poo comes from something that hasn’t been digested well. Think potato chips, a toothpick, or a bone.
Sharp Poo usualy catches us off guard and makes up sit up straight on the pot – hey they’re great for good posture!
Sharp Poos also hurt and provide the feeling of something tearing. But it’s important to push through the pain.
Strangely, most people don’t investigate after passing the Sharp Poo (we forget so quickly). It’s a wise decision to note what the prickly problem was. Maybe we swallowed a piece of plastic? It would be good to know what it was.
A Sharp Poo also causes involuntary buttock flexing as the body tries to reduce the pain. This can be great for a quick workout, but because of the pain we don’t appreciate the belly dancing and booty flexing that a Sharp Poo provides.
To combat the Sharp Poo try leaning to a side, or putting a buttocks in the air. This might lessen pressure on the area of concern.
Chili Poo
The Chili Poo doesn’t have to do with being cold. We’re talking about chili as in spicy hot! It doesn’t matter where you’re from most people enjoy a little spice.
Here in the U.S. people go wild for Mexican food and hot sauce. But people also know there could be consequences with too much chili sauce. In fact, the hot sauce isn’t just about Mexican food, it includes Thai, Sri Lankan, and Indonesian food (we know there are more too).
People also know one of the main laws of physics; what goes in must come out (or something like that right?). If you feel a burning sensation it could be the Sandpaper Poo, but what differentiates the Chili Poo is the warm sensation you’ll receive while the package exits.
You’ll get that same warm tingly sensation on your bum that you got on your lips the night before (hopefully you don’t start sweating though).
Warning: Things can also get a little sloppy with you’ve ingested too much hot sauce so dab first and wipe second!
One Leg Up Poo
The One Leg Up Poo (OLUP) isn’t about style or acrobatics. One might think the Heisman football pose looks cool, but remember, no one will be watching you while you relieve yourself.
The One Leg Up Poo is about functionality and ensuring a clean get away. Big guys and gals often have trouble with small round toilets. We get it – a big bum isn’t conducive to a small can.
The One Leg Up helps provide space to the user and reduces the chance of contact on either buttocks. It’s a relatively simple move that doesn’t take much strength or effort. Usually a simple lean does the trick.
The OLUP also has its negatives. It will mess up the aim of your turd which could cause all sorts of problems.
Bad aim will surely result in marks inside the toilet and in a worst case scenario might result in poo being stuck to the bowl (dry toilet bowl will catch and hold onto stool). If you’re going for the OLUP it’s always a good idea to flush once before dropping the package.
A freshly wet toilet bowl might help big brown slide back to its rightful place.
Warning: Real amateurs might end up with poo on the toilet seat if the leg lift is too high. It’s best to practice this pose at home before taking the show on the road.
Rocket Poo
The Rocket Poo can be a fun one. Just as the name implies, that turd must use rocket fuel to escape the hatch.
The Rocket Poo is usually a clean get away and occurs as soon as you’re in position. It rarely misfires and is set off with a simple flex of the abdominals. The shape and size are often impressive and engineers for speed and accuracy.
If you happen to be an engineer you’ll love the Rocket Poo. The weight, balance, and launch angle are marvels of the body that developed through centuries of evolution (or created that way if you prefer!).
Submariner Poo
The Submariner Poo is accurately named for its ability to dive to depths. Submarines were invested for their stealth capabilities.
They rarely approach the surface water and spend a lot of time at depth, out of sight and out of reach from radar.
For Submariner Poos, the toilet bowl presents a unique challenge. First, there’s a limited area to hide. Second, scraping on the side of the toilet bowel could give up its location.
Submariner Poos are actually similar to Rocket Poos. The are a fabulous shape and well-balance turd, however they are dense and weigh considerably more. The added weight allows them to dive deeper, more quickly.
Don’t blink, because once a Sub Poo has entered the bowel, it’s a matter of seconds before it navigates to depths within the toilet structure.
Because of their satisfactory shape, Sub Poos rarely clog the pipes. They are made for pipes and once they pass the trap area of the toilet they feel right at home in the sewage pipes beneath our streets.
Warning: Too much TP with a Submariner Poo could clog toilets. Use TP with caution.
Clinger Poo
Have you every seen the movie Cliff Hanger? The Clinger Poo is just that, it hangs in there, literally.
Part of it might still be incubating and some of it might be out. What to do? The first thing you can do is provide an additional push. Second, a shake or a foot stomp might suffice.
Clinger Poos can get messy in a hurry. Do your best not to make contact with your bum. Above all, don’t wipe a clinger otherwise there will be a lot of clean up.
Clingers are one of my least favorite poos. The form is not consistent although they usually have good moisture content.
Warning: I know this is gross but if you’re a hairy beast you will likely experience more Clingers.
Sticky Poo
We won’t lie, the Sticky Poo is gross. Too much moisture and it’s attracted to skin and porcelain as if it were a magnet.
The Sticky Poo is yet to be associated with a specific food, however it is closer to diarrhea on the spectrum
The Stick Poo can give you problems on the wipe and can spread to other areas of the toilet quickly. Double check the seat and the back of the toilet after you get up.
It tends to act like those sticky hands we’d throw against the wall as kids.
Stock Poo is also a potential problem if at a friends house or the in-laws. Flush Sticky Poos quickly and don’t be afraid to get out the toilet brush for additional clean up.
Am I Pissing Poo
The Am I Pissing Poo (AIPP) will initially throw you off. The sound might confuse the person pooing because it sounds like you’re peeing. Then, you’ll quickly have the realization that pee is coming from the area poo should be.
Warning: This realization will be disturbing.
The bad news about the Am I Pissing Poo is it will be messy. It also means your probably sick.
Questions to ask yourself include:
- What did I eat
- Why God, why
- Does this mean poo will come out where urine should be
- Will a wine cork help this problem
The Am I Pissing Poo usually occurs a few times in a row. Prepare yourself to locate nearby bathrooms – mental mapping is helpful in this situation as it can occur unannounced and involuntary.
This poo is not pleasant although it shouldn’t be painful. Dab during wiping because of this poo occurs for multiple days you might rub your bum raw and make wiping a painful experience.
Sprayer Poo
When I think of the Sprayer Poo I think of the Nintindo game Rambo. Remember the sprayer gun he had? Needless-to-say it sprayed at a very wide angle and touched every area of the screen.
The Sprayer Poo will touch every area of the toilet, be prepared. You’ll want to do some investigating after the poo as some of the spray might be on the backside of under the toilet seat. How poo gets there I never know but sometimes I see it there (never from me).
The Sprayer Poo would be great if watering plants or marking territory. But we’re really just aiming for a gallon or two of water and a hole so spraying isn’t necessary.
The spray usually occurs when there’s an overload of moisture. Sprayer Poo is borderline diarrhea and should be treated as such.
Simi Automatic Poo
The Simi Automatic Poo makes you think you’re at a firing range. The pace of this poo is quick so be ready. The problem is, you won’t be ready, nor prepared for the exit of Simi Automatic Poo.
For years, poo politicians have been debating whether this poo should be legal. But there are no definitive answered to measure how much ammunition each pooer has. Without proper monitoring, the Simi Automatic Poo can’t be stopped.
To be clear, no toilet user really knows if they’re carrying a loaded round. The Simi Automatic Poo acts autonomously without regard for political affiliation.
To recognize this poo, be alert to short bursts of poo hitting the water, followed by a awkward silence. Just when you think the outburst is finished, it will return with a “bang, bang, bang, bang” followed by more silence.
The texture of Simi Automatic Poo is usually slick and appears in a dense form.
I Remember What I Ate Poo
The I Remember What I Ate Poo (IRWIAP) can be rather hostile, especially in smaller bathrooms without windows.
If you’re suspecting a IRWIAP consider going into the bathroom with a candle, or spray. At a minimum, turn on the vent.
IRWIAPs tend to bring back fond memories of a recent meal. These are the best when the meal was a good experience – family dinners, romantic evenings watching the sunset.
Conversely, a IRWIAP can also bring back bad memories of a blind date gone wrong, or a meal that had potential but never realized itself.
When experiencing a IRWIAP your first reaction will likely be dilated nostrils. Your nose will be thinking “is that what I think it is”? A smile or chuckle often follows as you identify the smell and reminisce on the meal.
Mind you, the smell won’t be pleasant. However determining the specific food that is entering the bowl is an accomplishment in itself.
If you love spices and flavors, as I do, it may be easier to decipher specific meals. The nostrils can be trained but this requires taking deep breaths while on the pot – something many people hesitate to do.
Try Not To Breathe Poo
The Try Not To Breathe Poo might indicate what you last ate. This poo is vile and rather disgusting. It’s bursting with aroma and flavor.
When you smell your own you really know it’s bad. Some people will handle this with a quick flush upon exit while others will keep spray or candles handy.
The Try Not To Breath Poo is worst after Chinese, Mexican, and Indian food (obviously this is based on my own experience and not factual). But keep in mind that I’ve experienced all of these poos and I keep a journal.
Sauerkraut and recipes with high amounts of garlic are also problematic for the Try Not To Breathe Poo.
The Try Not To Breathe Poo is worst when you’re at a friends party or on an airplane. It’s flat out embarrassing because you won’t be able to prepare. Most people don’t carry air fresheners, matches, or potpourie in their pocket so you must make due with what you’ve got. Your best bet:
- Open a window (hopefully not during a snowstorm)
- Look for a fan switch
- Flush in coordination with exit
- Breathe in and out quickly and hope that your lungs filter the air
The best place for a Try Not To Breathe Poo is the public restroom at a park. Literally no one cares at a park bathroom and other people will probably think the stench is coming from a transient.
At a public restroom people will actually be proud of a Try Not To Breathe Poo and upon leaving the bathroom. Upon departing the bathroom, they’ll look back and say “keep the change ya filthy animal”.
No Back Up Poo
The No Back Up Poo appears in a situation where there’s no spray, candle, matches, window, or fan.
If you’re at a friends home or social gathering this can be problematic. You’ve got a choice to make and here are your options.
- Poo and run before there’s a line at the door
- Gamble, take your time getting it out and hope no one sees you leave
- Fast flush multiple times to minimize aroma
- Turn the faucet on and act like you weren’t pooing as you leave (see below)
The No Back Up Poo is actually a logistical mistake by the host (too many people, not enough toilets). One counter measure you could take is to create a fake email and send the host a friendly message after the party where you discuss his/her terrible bathroom and it’s smells – this should ensure it doesn’t happen to others.
The No Back Up Poo can be costly for eligible women and men. And just because you don’t hear the news, doesn’t mean word of your ghastly stench hasn’t made its way around the party.
Your best bet might be below.
Act Like I’m Not Poo
The Act Like I’m Not Poo is a classic move for people well versed in taking dumps in social settings. Believe it or not, some people actually like to stir the pot and get the rumor-mill going.
The Act Like I’m Not Poo requires a straight face and veteran experience. While on the pot you’ll want to reach over and turn the sink on and off (never just leave it running as it’s too obvious).
A crafty individual will also grab a toilet brush or plunger and hit objects far away from the toilet so people waiting for the restroom can hear (obviously this person isn’t near the toilet). The key to this poo is to make it quick – preferably less than 2 minutes.
If the Act Like I’m Not Poo is really clever they will use their experience from elementary school drama and have a reaction ready to go upon exiting the toilet. They will also have a name ready to blame it on. They might say, “So and so was just in here and didn’t flush the toilet, pee-yew”.
Word will spread quickly and before you know it someone will have a rotten reputation.
Conclusion
There are all types of poo. We usually refer to them by the more common poo terms “healthy” or “diarrhea” but each poo has character and meaning.
When using the toilet consider the effort it takes for the poo to exit. Consider the size and weight. Also consider the consistency. Odor is a great indicator of the type of poo. Poo fanatics might want to keep a log (notebook not poo) to write notes and sketch each turd.
Let us know if you’ve experience more types of poo that we missed. We enjoy updating our list and appreciate any feedback! Check out our other articles on Toilet Travels!
